Is life conspiring against me?

I'm not sure where to start.  I just know I need to get things out before I explode.  Since I am pregnant that would not be my preferred result.   Let me see if I can get this all down without it being a rambling mess. 
1 - I thought life would be easier with one dog.  In some ways it is.  We go through less food and there is less number two to clean up in the yard.  Also, the kids have been better about making sure that they give the dog attention.  However, the other dogs helped in the entertainment department a whole lot better.  Within the first week of our becoming a one dog family we learned something rather disturbing about our dog.  She is a klepto.  She will grab onto something and haul it off outside to chew it to death.  How did we find out?  That is a rather interesting story.  We had some friends over for dinner.  Afterward we cleared the table to play games.  At one point the baby woke up and our friend started looking around to find a pacifier.  She couldn't find it.  We helped her look but it was still missing in action.  So rather than delaying for a little while the baby demanded to be fed.  When the feeding was over again the mother was looking around but this time for the burp cloth.  We all looked but could not find it.  So she used the blanket instead.  Then she laid the baby out on the blanket on the table so she could watch over and play with her while we played a game.  At one point she noticed that the baby started to slide off the table.  Our dog had taken hold of the blanket and pulled.  I got her to let go and I ushered her to the dog door.  As I was trying to lock the dog door I noticed a fabric like object on the deck.  I stepped outside and there on the deck was the burp cloth.  I took it in, gave it back, turned on our yard light and headed back our to see if the binky was out there.  I still haven't found it but I did find her nursing cover.  So I have literally become a babysitter to our dog.  If she isn't outside, locked in her kennel, or with someone else I basically have to watch over her to keep her in line.  It is exhausting.  It has helped to have the dog door taken out so she can't just escape into the yard with anything.
2 - March is our big month for birthdays.  Three of our four (and soon to be five) kids have birthdays this month.  Les and I sat down over a month ago and determined which weekend would work best for us to have our annual combined birthday party.  The date was set and the theme determined.  Knowing that our finances are on the tight side I decide I was going to hand make as much of the party stuff as I could.  I immediately went to work making the invitations.  I had to work out a few kinks like how do I print it off so that the inside looks the way it should (you know not upside down).  I made photo frames for each guest to have a picture of them taken with a birthday girl.  Oh and saying that reminds me that I forgot to say that we decided to have two parties.  One friend party where they got to invite four friends each and then a family party.  After all the family drama (that put on more stress for sure) maybe we can stick with just a friends party next year.  On top of all that I planned the menus for both parties and prepared as much of it as I could.  The friend party consisted of games, watching a strawberry shortcake movie, and a tea party with finger sandwiches, fruit, and cherry 7- up.  Oh and let's not forget cupcakes!   The family party was supposed to be simpler.  More fruit, salads, and everything else that goes with BBQ.  I learned how to make Italian Sponge cake to make Strawberry Shortcake. 
3 - I got the flu.  On Sunday my back and bum were starting to hurt.  I had a hard time sitting through church.  Shortly after starting dinner I felt really off.  I leaned over to Les and told him I was either going to throw up or pass out.  He ordered me to lay down.  Within a hour I had full body chills.  That is when I knew I was in trouble.  The body aches got worse.  They were to the point that I was uncomfortable no matter what position I was in.  Les set up a bed for me in front of our fireplace.  All night I moved and moved and moved some more.  I hurt so bad that by 3 in the morning I gave up trying to sleep.  I just tried to endure the night.  I still had to get up in the morning and take Sammi to school.  I was so tired and I hurt so much.  I'm sure my family cringed everyone they had to cross my path.  Finally, Les was able to take over and I soaked in a hot tub.  Oh it felt wonderful to have most of the pain melt away even if temporarily.  The pain was relieved enough that the Tylenol was finally able to do something.  After the soak I laid in bed willing myself to sleep.  If only it had worked.   At that point I was too tired to sleep.  So that instead I tried to rest.  Rest my body, rest my mind, rest my eyes. It would have worked better if not for all the people calling about scouting concerns.  I felt much better by the time I got out of bed.  Tired but not as hurt.  I made it through the day and collapsed into my bed that night.  Sleep finally came.  It wasn't the best quality sleep but it was better than nothing.  Here is to a speedy recovery.
4 - This is the straw that broke the camel's back.  Last week I failed my initial glucose test.  I went in this morning to start the three hour test.  Everything seemed to be going well. I hurried in to have my blood drawn and drink more of the drink an hour later.  They told me I was too late.  Apparently, their clock and my clock are off by ten minutes.  I was told I would have to come back another day and start from scratch.  I had been under so much stress that I walked out of there vowing I would not come back to do the test.  I called Les and cried like a baby.  I told him what had happened and that I wasn't going to do the test at all.  He tried calling the Dr and left messages.  The Dr ended up calling me and told me either I do the test or I find another Dr.  How compassionate!  So now Les and I are comptemplating getting a new doctor.  I think had he been the least bit concerned about my feelings as opposed to his concern over his feeling I might have been persuaded to go back for the test and keep him as a Dr.   For now there is no way on earth I could be persuaded to go back to him.  Les and I are going to find a new Dr for me and the little guy inside.  I feel so bad for my baby.  With everything that has been going on I have put him through too much.  He has been affected by all the stress I've felt.  He has been affected by the flu I have.  I say enough is enough.  I'm not going to do it anymore.
I must say I feel a lot better after getting that off my chest.

RSV Confirmed

So Sammi has devoloped other symptoms that let us know that she does in fact have RSV. She has the infamous "crackle" when she takes a breath (started out as a wheeze). Also she has the nostrel flare (a sure sign she is working to breathe). She is still happy and active. We are grateful for that. For now we just keep an eye (and ear) out for any changes that will let us know she is getting worse.

We get hit again!

So the kids have been sick. Emma had a runny nose and a cough last Friday. Sammi woke up on Sunday a little sick but not enough to be concerned. By Tuesday Emma was doing better but Sammi had gotten bad enough we took her to the doctor. Turns out we were right to do that. Although it is not confirmed the Dr. thinks she has RSV. It is confirmed that she has croup and an ear infection. The Dr. prescribed an antibiotic for her ears and a steriod for the croup. I gave her the meds when we got home and by that evening the color had returned to her face and she was acting more like herself again (also thanks to the warm homemade chicken noodle soup I made for dinner). She still wakes up coughing in the middle of the night but I can rock her back to sleep. She is doing so much better than we thought she would. We are truly grateful for that. My biggest fear thinking we would have to relive what we went though last year.
So for now I can say things are going well.

Welcome home Samantha!

Well, Samantha is finally home. The doctors have approved her to come home with her new pet oxygen tank. We're very excited to have her back home after nearly 3 weeks of living in the hospital. Sammi has recovered from most everything. She still has a problem getting the right amount of oxygen into her body. We hope to continue weening her from the oxygen so that we can get rid of the tank, but we're happy enough to just have her home.

We're really grateful for all the prayers that so many have held for our family and the meals that have been prepared for us as well as the care packages from the ward that were dropped off to the hospital. It's not over yet, but we know that it would have been much harder, had we not had so much support.

Improving

Here is an update on Samantha. On Monday Sammi had been weaned enough on the ventilator that the doctors said the tube could come out. Now that is real progress! Without being hooked to the ventilator we could start HOLDING her! I cannot express how many tears I have shed over not being able to hold her.

On Tuesday she had ripped out her feeding tube so it was decided that she could try liquids on her stomach. First they started with some pedialyte in a bottle. By the next morning she was drinking my milk from a bottle and I was told I could start breastfeeding her starting immediately.

So with her healthy enough to go off the ventilator and to starting to breastfeed it was decided that she could leave the PICU. By Wednesday afternoon we had been moved to the fourth floor into a regular room. We still have a roommate since all children with RSV are put together.

Today (Friday) Sammi was declared healthy beyond the RSV. So now we don't have to worry about the Pneumonia or the collapsed lung.

For now we are just waiting for her to be able to be off the oxygen without working so hard and for her to work on eating. Those are the only concerns they have for her right now.

Notes and Humor from Les:

Carolyn brought up Emma tonight. It was so great to see her and hold her again. We have been feeling so terrible that we haven't been the mom and dad that she needs right now. With Samantha going through these difficulties we've relied on so many family members to help us with her, and they have all offered assistance in too many ways to list. The problem is, we keep having to hand Emma off to family members. It's so difficult to hold her in our arms and have her give us the most wonderful hugs and kisses the world has ever known, only to turn around and put her in someone elses car with her toys and seat and whatever else. We want Emma to know how much she means to us, and how much we miss her. She has been doing so well with all of the issues going on.

Emma even still remembers baby Samantha... errrr. . I mean "Mine baby, Emma's baby" as she likes to call her. She even made sure to give her "Kisses all better"

On the lighter side of things though! I'd like to list a couple of the things that I've heard in the hospital that just make me smile.

This is the reason that the doctors like to ask the mother questions regarding childcare instead of the husband!

A father was being asked about how his child is being taken care of at home.

"Do you have any special religious or cultural beliefs or rituals we should be aware of?"

"no"

"How often do you bathe your child? Daily, every other day?"

After consultation with his wife. "Yes, daily"

"How often do you feed your child?"

Without consultation from his wife, "Daily."

....

"Do you breast feed your child?"

"No, I'm a guy." seconds later and a look from his wife later, "Oh, no, no we bottle feed"

Straight answers from the mouths of babes!

In the PICU, a small boy was heard telling the doctor what was wrong.

"Owwww, you hurt me."

He also informed the nurse later that night of the same thing.

As we remember some more of the interesting things that we've seen/heard we'll try to add them.

The gift of love (in blood form)

Well, Samantha is recovering well from a recent blood transfusion. She is still up and down on her blood pressure and her color changes from a pale to deep red (when she cries or is mad) all day long, but they have said that even though her xrays don't show it, her lungs do sound a bit more clear.

When the doctor came in and explained to us that Sammi would need a transfusion, both Melanie and I were a little concerned. It's not everyday that you're little girl gets extremely ill let alone also needs more blood. However, it got me to thinking. I used to donate blood on a regular 3 month basis while I was in the military, and when I got out I would donate about every 6 months, whenever the stake, ward, or community would do a blood drive. But, what an amazing way to help.

I remember in a previous stake that we had a member who was suffering from a particular nasty illness and needed to have a bone marrow transplant. I've also known others who because of accidents needed to have blood. Just about everyone who knows us has offered to help in any way that can, and at this point for Sammi, she just needs our prayers. With time she should recover fully. But there are a lot of children here at PCMC. Many of which have very differing illnesses and injuries. We're located next to University hospital and several others that also have many patients needing similar help.

Well, I've found a way that maybe we can all help out. Next time you have an opportunity to donate blood, do so. If you're a brave soul you can even get on the BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) list. From what I've read your blood has a shelf life of around 40 days or so. This means that it needs a constant replenishment. I haven't heard of any of the hospitals in the area actually hitting that date and therefore having to throw it out, but I have heard them say their supplies are low. Melanie and I have decided that someone else helped our Sammi with a blood donation and we feel like we should pass that help along by donating ourselves. I hope you'll be able to find the time and courage to donate yourself. (We'll be using ARUP (rather than Red Cross) for PCMC, they also run out to the Basin a lot)

Day 7 Endure to the end

With day number seven now upon us since Samantha first entered the hospital, we have once again received the same information that we have every day since she stabilized. She isn't getting worse. As great as that news is, we keep waiting for that day when they say, she's improving!

There are certain things in this life that we cannot change. The wind, the sun, the moon and stars, but even things like a pregnancy needing 9months for proper growth, or our Spring semester lasting for another 3 weeks. Our little Sammi just needs more time with her ailments.

We're very grateful for all of the prayers said in her behalf and the support that has been offered. Please continue to pray for her. We will keep everyone updated as things change, well when they change.

The power of touch

Yeah, I know it sounds a little odd, but really, is there a power in touch? As a teen one of the only things on the mind is that first kiss, the holding of hands, an embrace. As a parent, the hugs and kisses of your children and grand children are so precious to you. And the Bear hugs from little ones are priceless.

But, what about with younger children? I know when child is crying or upset they love to have their mommy or daddy hold them close; To kiss their ow wees or boo boos and tell them it's all going to be better. An infant and newborn love to be snuggled. Remember the times when your little child woke up in the night and just wouldn't calm down? All you would do is hold them in your arms and rock with them. Sing them a lullaby and let them know they were safe.

There was an experiment done many years ago to evaluate whether love was really needed for survival in mammals. They took two chimps, one was raised with a metal structure that had a bottle for food, and the other was covered with fur and kept warm to simulate mother also with milk. The chimp that had what simulated mother lived quite well, there were some problems with not being able to interact with 'mother', but he grew up healthy. The other chimp with only a cold metal case holding a bottle got ill and eventually died. There are arguments about whether the simulated mother was really a factor or if some underlying reason prevails. But I wonder.

Friday morning, as Celia says (the one from golden girls, not grandma) Picture it! It was a Friday morning in Logan Utah. Mother was running around frantically as she needed to get her newborn to the ER. The newborn, at least while she was breathing, was screaming her head off and full of fear. Mother grabbed the baby and cuddled her close. Minutes passed and she was as calm as spring morning on a beautiful San Diego beach. Hours later in the ER at Logan Regional the newborn was being poked and prodded more so than a pin cushion. Enter dad. He picked up newborn and held her close to her chest, reassured her that everything would be alright, she calmed and allowed the medical staff to finish their tests.

The newborn showed signs of improvement and mom and dad were hopeful, but that night she was kept more isolated for treatments. Saturday morning newborn was put through more and more tests. Mom and Dad weren't able to hold her and comfort her through all of them, but when they did she calmed down as if nothing were wrong. Saturday night being prepared for a Life Flight that could mean the difference between life and death for her, daddy held her for nearly an hour as the medical crew prepared her for her long journey. Every time he set her down, she began to shiver and cry with fear.

What do you do when you can no longer hold your own flesh and blood within your arms? Sammi has been in an incubator or respirator status since Saturday night. Melanie hasn't been able to hold her baby for four days! She sees other mothers who's babies are improving hold them, snuggle with them and tell them that it's all going to be better now. But not for Melanie. She looks at Sammi with love in her eyes and pain in her soul as Sammi tries to cry and tries to move, but all she can do is whisper to her that it's o.k. Mommy and Daddy are here, and stroke her head. Sammi has too many tubes and wires in her to even hold her hand.

We keep saying that stable is better than nothing, which it is, but to see your child grow up without you there to hold their hand, snuggle with them, to kiss them better or truly reassure them that everything IS going to be alright, is a very painful experience. I wonder if in her half drugged state she truly realizes that we are here for her. We can't leave her, something inside us won't let us. We're here to let her know that at anytime when she wakes and is in pain that mommy and daddy are here for her, to stroke her head, give fathers and priesthood blessings, and let her know that: Everything IS going to be Alright!

When things go from Terrible to your worst nightmare

For those of you who haven't heard, Samantha was taken by Life Flight Saturday night to Primary Children's Medical Center. She is stable, but hasn't had any improvement.

It's been one of the most stressful and trying times of our lives to have our precious newborn go through such a traumatic event. One day you hold your child in your arms and laugh and smile as she smiles and coos, and then the next day she stops breathing, the next day her lung collapses, and you just don't know what will happen next.

It's not even a roller coaster. There are no ups, just downs, just terrifying news in a steady flow. It seems that there is no end, no brightness, no joy. We see our daughter, asleep, with constant medication, with constant need for observation. We're so grateful for the calls and prayers that everyone has offered. We're grateful for the excellent medical care Sammi received at Logan Regional and for her being at Primary Children's now, where we know she'll get the best care possible.

We've never been known for our great fortune with luck, but we've always known others that have had it worse. This time isn't quite the exception yet either. We walk the hall to get to Sammi and there are so many little infants, toddlers, and newborns in similar situations that it really helps to empathize with the struggles that other families are going through.

The worst nightmare isn't an endpoint, but rather a journey, it's a journey of not knowing what is wrong, not knowing how to fix it, and not knowing what is in store for the future. It's a downward spiral that fortunately for us has slowed, at least for now, but we are optimistic that with prayers and excellent medical attention, our little Sammi will recover fully and be able to once again lay in our arms and smile and coo and cause us to rejoice in our love for her.

The Terrors of Childhood Illness

We've all at some time had our own terrible cold or injury. Wether it be a bad case of the flu or food poisoning to sprained ankles or a nasty car accident. When these things happen to us we often find ourselves being the focus of our own attention. We ignore the world around us and focus on the poor me or why me or whatever else. Well, normally we know that things will look up, and we will get better, we can basically take care of ourselves with medications and the rest that we need. We will regain our strength, our stamina, our previous energy and morale, But, what happens when your little one faces these terrible happenings?

I think we often find ourselves lost in worry over some of the problems our children face. We don't always know what the problem is or even how to fix it, had we known what the problem is/was. We often have to rely on others to help solve our problems for us. This can take an extreme amount of faith at times, and even then also a lot of patience.

I'm not one to like relying on others for anything. Most of my family and friends can attest to this. Perhaps it's paranoia or even PTSD, who knows? But, I don't think I'm alone in these feelings when it comes to my children. I always want to be in control of helping them get better. I've been blessed with two beautiful little girls, both very mild mannered and pleasent to be with. Mind you Emma is starting her "Terrible Two's" and adjusting to having a new sister hasn't been easy on her (or us), but all in all, she's done very well and shows an extreme amount of affection towards Little Samantha.

Several days ago, Sammi started having breathing problems. We weren't sure what the problem was, but could definitely hear mucus built up in her sinus. When she breathed you could hear it sloshing around. We called the nurseline at the hospital to find out how to help her, and were told to simply use saline to break up the mucus and a bulb sucker to remove it. Sounded simple enough and for three days it seemed to work fine. That was until last night. Last night our Little Sammi started turning a shade of blue. I immediately checked her breathing and her capillary response (both were slow) and could hear her trying to breathe through her nose. (it was completely plugged) I cleaned it out like the nurses advised and informed Melanie to keep an extra close eye on her.


While at work this morning I was preparing for a test when Melanie called me with tears in her voice. Little Sammi had stopped breathing several times. Melanie had instantly started to help Sammi breathe again, and contacted the hospital for further advise. Sammi would stop breathing and then gasp for air for awhile and then repeat the cycle. The hospital advised her to take Sammi straight to the ER. This is where relying on others has been such a blessing to us.

Melanie called Jana (our sister in-law) and asked her to take Emma for us, which she gladly agreed to. She then called Bryan (her brother) to ask if there was anything else she could do on the way to the hospital. (All this while getting two little girls and herself dressed and ready to go to the hospital) Bryan was gone, but Julie spent quite a bit of time talking with Melanie and helping give her strength to deal with the situation. Not to say that she was relieved of all her concerns, but she had the strcngth to face them. Melanie then called me to let me know that she was on her way to get me. (My work is on the way to the hospital). I was able to find Daniel (Jana's husband) at work as well and we were able to give Samantha a blessing. I'm so grateful that Daniel is the kind of husband, father, and man that lives worthy of his covenants so that he can help me to bless my family, and me help him to bless his family in times of need. Melanie shed about a galon of tears this morning, and only finally received the consolence that she needed at the end of the blessing given to Sammi. It gave her a peace that helped to strengthen her further.

When we arrived at the hospital Sammi had no flesh colors at all, she looked like a cadaver for those of you who haven't seen one, she was a light yellowish tan color with no pink or redness. She was very raspy and comletely clogged with mucus. During the taking of an X-ray of Sammis' chest, Melanie caught sight of Doug Thompson, a good man who was in the bishopric of our previous ward. He spoke with her about her concerns and offered his friendship and service. After having Sammi on oxygen for some time her levels were again strong and they tried to let Melanie nurse her, but almost immediately stopped her. As soon as Sammi began to nurse, her oxygen levels dropped from high 90's to mid 70's, literally within seconds.

The doctors found Little Sammi to have RSV(Respiratory Syncytial Virus, a virus that can be a real challenge for newborn and young infants). Of course this caused some concern for the other children that have been around both Emma and Sammi, but the doctors assured us that it would have been difficult for Sammi to spread RSV (without touching or coughing on them etc., and that Emma and the other older children would be able to fight it like a bad cold, but would be fine elsewise.) Because of the oxygen level problems the doctors felt it best to keep Sammi for a while (maybe a day, maybe more) to make sure she can breathe on her own and keep her oxygen levels up. As soon as Daniel and Jana heard this they immediately planned on making us dinner to help lower the stress of our situation.

Sammi is doing well for now. She has oxygen hooked upto her, an IV and is being monitored constantly for her breathing and oxygen levels. We're really happy with the pediatrician we have. He has been very informative to us and has been able to solve all of our girls medical problems so far. (not that they've had many, but it's nice to get answers from a competent doctor in a quick manner no matter how infrequent they're needed).

We were able to bring Emma in to see her mommy and little sister for a little while, and Emma was very concerned that 'her baby' was crying and had wires and tubes hooked up to her. Every time an alarm would go off, Emma would look over at the baby and let us know that the baby needed us. I guess the purpose of this post is to share appreciation for those around us that are so willing to help out. During an (extended family) family home evening several weeks ago, I was assigned a section of a talk that covered how we have family members wherever we go. In our wards and stakes there are so many people that extend the hand of fellowship and service that we truly do have family all around us. Although most of those that have been helping us through this trial have in fact been family, there are always those like Doug, and Dr. Horkley that are just waiting for the opportunity to bless anothers life through friendship and service. They only need to be invited to help.

My bad!

I did end up giving Emma my sinus infection. Last night she couldn't sleep due to her stuffed nose and really bad cough. This morning she had a fever of 100 degrees. So I took her into the doctor. He prescribed an antibiotic and then told us to stop sharing our germs (jokingly of course). That is definiately my plan. So for the next 10 days I will be forcing Emma to take her medicine (oh the fun of it all) and feeling such intense sympathy for her as she comes running to me saying in a whiny voice, "nose, nose." I then wipe it and watch her run away until the next time. I wish she never had to suffer this way but at the same time I know it is part of life and it is better that she knows that early on. Until she is fully over this I anticipate many nights of little sleep. This I know because after being on my own meds for the last 6 days I still wake myself up whenever I cough. Emma will undoubtably be the same for a while.

Runny Nose becomes so much more

So I have been out of it lately (my house sure looks like it too.) For a few weeks I have had a runny nose. I didn't think much of it cause it was just a runny nose. Then Emma got her ear infection. She had a runny nose right before getting it. So I was starting to wonder if I was going to develope something more serious. Oh boy did I ever! On Thursday when I went in to see my OB I told him about it and how over the days previously it had gotten worse. After telling him how long it had been going on he told me that I probably had a virus that my body was having a hard time getting over. As a result a secondary bacterial infection had set in. So he started me on a antibiotic. Instead of getting better it seemed to get worse. So now I am hoping that I am on my way to getting better. Until it does I am trying to cope with a sore throat, a cough, and major congestion.
I just hope things get better so I can get things done before we have Emma's birthday party. When I feel better I will try to post again.

Ear Infection Anyone?

Emma has been dealing with a runny/stuffy nose for the last week. I figured as long that was all that happened we were doing good. At one this morning I woke up to Emma crying. I pulled her into the bed with me and in the process noticed that her skin was hot. Les got the themometer and between the two of us we got it into her ear and got a reading. That right there should have been my first clue. Emma is really good about sitting still while I take her temp, etc. This time she didn't want us anywhere near her ears. I gave her some Tylenol and Orange Juice. Just over a half hour later she fell asleep again. She slept restlessly so Les and I got very little sleep. This morning when she woke up I checked her temp again to find it back up to 101.9. I gave her more Tylenol, got us both ready, and called her doctor for an appointment. He was able to confirm that Emma did in fact have an ear infection. She has some medication that she will be taking twice a day for the next little while. The only problem is that Emma doesn't like how it tastes. She has tried spitting it out. I feel bad that I have to hold her down and force her to take it. I have to remind myself that it is either that or let her infection get worse. I really want her to get better. So that is life for the next little while.